Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
