Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
