we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
