They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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