i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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