We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
