I'm so fucking centered right now
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
