You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
This baby is an asshole
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
