Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
