your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
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he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
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Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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