I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
