I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I supernannyed him into submission
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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