DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
