just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
