Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
