It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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