I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
