the new term for farting is butt boxing.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
cat food counts as protein by the way
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
