you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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