i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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