I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
