she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
