I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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