wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
