I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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