...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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