Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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