Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch