Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
