saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
