im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
