No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
