I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
