do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
