Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
