I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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