He disabled his match.com account in front of me
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
