I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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