Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
