now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
