Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
