does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
