You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
