I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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