blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
