if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
