Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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