drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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