just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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