All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
