It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
