so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
