If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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