$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
