i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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