First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
