I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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